Mania....becoming the brightest light

More on mania...
There are two types of mania in bipolar disorders, full-blown mania and hypomania.  Full-blown manias when you have manic mood symptoms for a week or more, up to a month that often leads to social impairment, occupational dysfunction and hospitalization may be required.  It is described as a distinct period during which there is an abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood.  In the elevated state you are upbeat, happy, and euphoric.  In an expansive state the mood is intense, and emotions are shown without inhibition.  Most people think of these two states when they think of mania, but many experience irritability, anxiety, and/or an uncomfortable sense of increased energy.

Hypomainia is also described as abnormal or persistently elevated, expansive or irritable mood, but it usually lasts one to four days.  It has the same symptoms as full blown mania, but usually not as intense.  And it is usually not severFee enough to result in marked impairment in social or occupational functioning, nd rarely results in hospitalization.  

Manic and hypomania symptoms often begin suddenly with fast escalation of symptoms over a few days.  It can be extremely confusing to family members of the ill person watching their love one completely change and wondering what is happening. The behavior is usually so out of character that it can go as far as ruining relationships.  
What are the symptoms of mania?
Mania has many symptoms, and is a lot more than just feeling happy.  Here is a list of common mania symptoms.  Now a person may have two or three or all of them.  It varies greatly from person to person.  This is the list of symptoms:

Feeling great no matter what happens, a profound feeling of physical well being
Increased self- esteem or grandiosity, an unrealistic inflated sense of self-worth
Looking in the mirror and thinking how beautiful or handsome they are
Decreased need for sleep, they may feel fully rested from 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night
Increased involvement in goal related activities, racing thoughts, cordial, fun, sociable, outgoing
Talkativeness and rapid speech, others have difficult time getting a word in the conversation
Having thoughts such as, the world is so full of possibilities, and I can do anything I want!
Starting new projects you believe will change the world
Highly distractable, unable to focus on one project, talkativeness with strangers
Hyperactivity, restlessness, or agitation
Excessive spending like maxing out credit cards, gambling, buying stuff they can't use.
An inability to distinguish between safe and unsafe behaviors
Increased use of alcohol or stimulant drugs, increase in sexual behavior
Psychotic symptoms, loss of contact with reality
Lack of concern about how others feel about your behaviors
Poor judgment, engaging in high risk behaviors, reckless driving, sexual promiscuity, spending sprees
Resist seeing your sick even though it obvious to others, resisting treatment
In full blown mania, the person may not even be able to function and must go to the hospital.

What is mixed mania?
Mixed mania is also known as dysphoric mania.  Its a mixed episode of mania and depression symptoms.  It fits the criteria for depression and the criteria for mania with the symptoms present for at least a week.  It has typical mania symptoms like restlessness, agitation, rapid thoughts, decreased need for sleep but instead of euphoria, you have extreme pessimism, negativity, irritability and often thoughts of suicide.  Episodes like these are very chaotic and confusing for everyone involved.
What mania is like for me....
When I was younger, I had more of the full blow euphoric mania.  It was like a drug, a wonderful amazing feeling.  I finally felt good enough, like I belonged.  I was 10 feet tall and bullet proof with out anything but my own mind to get me there.  I had no inhibitions, did things like spend all our money, could barely sleep, drink Alot, have  quite a few one night stands,  start a million and one projects all at once.  I could start many things but never finish anything.  I was fun, outgoing, and people gravitated to me.  I always wanted to be manic.  But after a few days that euphoria would change to irritability, anger and disgust.  Nothing my partner did was good  enough, i was angry over every little thing that had ever happened in our relationship, and everything he did just pissed me the hell off, and I'd tell him so in not so nice ways.

Now that I'm older and on medication the mania I experience is more of a hypomania, but its a mixed version.  I'm not euphoric, I'n usually very irritable, angry and down right mean.  I do have moments of being up and happy but they are few and far in between.  I still spend money, this though is also a symptom I have during depression, as it's like Christmas everyday.  I start projects, but usually ones I can do in my room away from people because I just get so angry.  All of my anger comes out in words though.  I can'r sleep or don't sleep well but I'm so tired.  I cry easy, and just want to not exist. The experience is very confusing because I feel both depressed and hypomanic all at once.  I'm confused, upset, and hurting inside.  I relieve my past that makes me feel unworthy of everything, and have racing thoughts that play on a loop over and over.  Most of the times when I've become suicidal is when I've been in this state.  I hope this helps you understand what some of bipolar can feel like...

 

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